Now
by dithemo
Summary: Mount Weather has been taken, the surviving people of the Ark have gone home. Clarke does not feel like she has a place among them anymore, or even a place in this world. All she wants is to feel and do nothing, but in order to obtain this she has one final mission: a final talk with Lexa.
1. Chapter 1

**Now**

_**Chapter 1**_

Clarke felt the pouring rain cool her down as she walked, letting it wash over her as if it could also wash away the thoughts milling through her brain. She paused for a moment, looking up at the sky with clear blue eyes, feeling every drop run across her face.

Sighing, she ran her hand through her soaking hair, feeling it curl as it always did when wet. For a moment, she looked back at the road behind her. She had left Bellamy at the gate of Camp Jaha a few hours ago, but only now did she dare to look behind her.

The forest was empty, and only the rain broke the deafening silence around her.

The blonde finally allowed herself to think about what she had just done. Leaving her mother, her friends, the people she fought so hard to save.

_Only I barely fought. The sacrifice was never mine._

She couldn't help but think about what she'd done. About how many people had suffered because of her plans. About how she had always seemed to come out unscathed.

_Perhaps if I-_

Closing her eyes forcefully, she shook her head, her hand slightly pulling on the hair it was trying to untangle.

Thinking like this wouldn't help anyone.

So Clarke opened her eyes again, a determined look in them, and continued on her way. There was no way she could put off thinking about what she'd done forever, but she still had one thing she needed to do. A final something she _had_ to take care of.

She forced her feet to move through the mud, ignoring the cold she felt growing stronger. When she had passed the dropship earlier, she had contemplated going in, perhaps packing some stuff she knew would come in handy in the forest.

But her heart had ignored her head in this; the time she had spent in their camp at the dropship felt like an eternity ago, and the charred bodies surrounding it were a reminder of everything she had done. All the horrors she had caused.

Instead, she marched on, having nothing on her but the clothes she had worn at Mount Weather, and a knife she had gotten at one of the grounder camps.

Despite everything, she had no fear at the moment. She felt like she had ever since she took Finn's life: all she could think of was the next and final task she had to fulfill. After this, she wanted nothing.

All she wanted was nothing.

So she walked on, enjoying the sound of the rain in the forest, listening to her heart going at the same pace as her footsteps.

The forest around her smelled of rain as she passed, the trees becoming darker as the night began to fall.

Clarke had absolutely no intention of stopping for the night, her determination to reach her final goal kept her going. But when the forest became too dark to even make out where she was going, the blonde decided to stop a large fallen tree, that was able to give her shelter from the rain.

She simply sat down under it, folding her knees and hugging them with her arms. Clarke looked in front of her like this, staring into the night at the path she had just taken.

She could almost sense her mother's distress from a distance. While she was talking to Bellamy, she could see her mother focusing her attention on Kane as he was helping her to the infirmary. She was glad her mother didn't think of her then, and that she hadn't looked around to find her in the crowd of people rejoicing to be home.

_Of course she didn't though… Why would she… Mom knows exactly what I've done… everything I've done._

Clarke willed herself to think of something else, but her mind kept going back to Camp Jaha. She thought of Monty and Jasper, but she had no worries there. Now that she was gone, Jasper could openly hate her for what she'd done, the deaths she'd caused, and he would be able to forgive Monty.

_They'll all hate me, as they should…_

Raven, Octavia, the two girls in the camp she felt most connected to hated her as well. What she had done to them, to the people of Ton DC…

_to Finn…_

_No – no –no –no !_

She hit her head repeatedly on the tree above her, at the same time squeezing her hands so tight she could feel her nails digging into her skin. Angry tears ran down her face, and she wiped them away with bloody hands.

This was not the time to think of these things. She did not get to feel sorry for herself, not yet. As she forced herself to lay down on the forest ground, she willed herself to fall asleep with only one thing on her mind:

Her final mission to assure the safety of her people. Her final meeting with the Commander of the Grounders.

Her last time talking to Lexa…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was supposed to be a filler chapter, because I just wanted to picture what happened at the camp when Clarke left, but it turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. So no Clarke and Lexa in this chapter, but the next will definitely go back to them. **

_**Chapter 2**_

Camp Jaha

Bellamy exited the Ark, breathing in the fresh evening air. He had been able to keep busy most of the day since Clarke had left them; he had helped the 44 get settled, seeing as not all of them had parents or relatives on earth. But now the day was ending, and everyone had found their own space in the new camp.

He paused for a moment at the Ark's entrance, looking around the camp. He saw most of his people sitting outside, lifting cups of moonshine at their victory, smiling profusely, and Bellamy couldn't help but smile with them. _They had won._

The truth of this, however, made his gaze fall to his left, to the Med Bay. He sighed and made his way in, finally checking in on the injured kids – and on Clarke's mother.

In the heat of their homecoming, Clarke's departure had gone unnoticed by most of the people from the camp: they were tired, injured and happy, all at the same time, and the feeling of coming home had erased every other thought from their minds. As far as Bellamy knew, Monty was the only other person there who knew the blonde had left them, but he was certain that the boy hadn't told anyone yet. Bellamy could see him sitting at a table with Jasper, and knew that Monty had spent all day trying to get Jasper's forgiveness, or at least his friendship. They weren't as enthusiastic as the other people around them, but judging by their soft smiles Bellamy knew their friendship was healing.

He felt a smile growing on his face, because of how proud he felt for his people, the ones who were part of the original 100 that were sent to earth, but his face dropped again when he entered the medic's tent, not knowing what he would do.

Opening the doors, he found that the room was not as full of injured as he had feared it would be. Only Abby and Raven were still in their sickbeds, as they were the only ones that had been drilled for bone marrow. Kane and Wick were by their sides respectively, and Octavia was still nursing a detoxing Lincoln, who sat upright on a chair, but did not look too good nonetheless.

Their head spun his way as he entered slowly, a cautious look on his face. Octavia smiled when she saw her brother, motioning her over to where she was sitting.

Bellamy walked over to her, smiling, glad to see his sister happy again. He nodded at Lincoln.

"How are you feeling?", he asked, keeping his eyes on the man, not daring to look at the others in the room.

"Good", was the only answer Lincoln offered him. Bellamy arched an eyebrow at his answer, but Octavia just openly scoffed.

"Oh please, you look like you've just went to hell to vomit your soul out and walked back. And we both know that's pretty much what happens and not just a look." She rubbed his forehead with a wet cloth while she talked, and rolled her eyes when Lincoln glared at her after she was done talking.

"Fine, but he is better than he was earlier, and I'm sure he could beat everyone here in a fight right now if he wanted to."

She ended her words with a playful look at her lover. "Better?" Lincoln barely smiled as he nodded, but Bellamy could see the amusement on his face. He shook his head at their antics, and almost forgot why he had actually come there.

Until he was reminded of his mission, of course.

"Bellamy", he heard Abby say his name, and suddenly he felt all his blood rushing to his face.

He tried to compose himself as he answered.

"Yes, chancellor?" He moved toward the bed Abby was lying on, unconsciously standing like a guard would, his hands behind his back.

Abby smiled at his formal face. "There's no need to be so formal, Bellamy, I just wanted to know how everything was out there. Are all the kids settled?"

Bellamy still felt a bit of anger when she called his people 'kids', when they had been braver and smarter than all of them had been at their times of need, but he knew that now the peace had returned to them, there was no need to call her out on things like this. So he simply answered her, avoiding the subject he didn't have the courage to tell the woman about.

"They are fine", he said, looking down for a moment before looking back at Abby. "We have found a place to stay for everyone, they have all been fed, and most are currently celebrating their being home with the others from Camp Jaha." He sighed before he continued. "Not all of them are completely fine though, of course, they saw their friends get tortured, some even killed. But I'm sure they will be."

Abby and Kane nodded at his words, and he could see that Wick and Raven were also glad to hear the news.

"Any word from the Grounders? Some flowers to apologize for their fucking leaving us to die?"

Raven was the one who talked this time, and Bellamy could see the look of anger on her face. Sure, they had been saved in the end, but if the Grounders had sticked to the plan, she and Wick would probably not have been caught by the Mountain Men, and she wouldn't have gotten a drill in her knee. When she heard about it on their way home, she was pissed beyond belief, but because Wick was carrying her she could do nothing more but scream her frustrations to the trees, until her lover's twentieth eyeroll told her he'd probably had enough.

But now the anger was back, and Bellamy sighed before he answered.

"No, nothing. No flowers, no cookies,…'

"But also no swords and arrows" Kane finished for him, trying to point out the good part.

Raven quietly mumbled "sure, for now", but she didn't push the subject. The others in the room had heard her, though, and it was enough to make them all silent.

"Well", Kane continued, "that's something we'll have to look into later. Right now is a time for celebrating, however. Maybe we can try to renew our alliance, if Clarke and I were to go see the Commander tomorrow, we might be able to negotiate a sort of peace treaty.

Bellamy swallowed dryly as the lump in his throat grew at the mention of the blonde's name. He closed his eyes, knowing what he had to do now, and was not surprised when Abby's voice was the next one to speak up.

"That is an excellent idea, Marcus, but I don't believe my daughter needs to be anywhere near this Commander again. I think Clarke has done more than enough right now…"

The woman sighed as a dark look passed over her eyes, and Bellamy suddenly understood why Clarke wanted to leave. The way his mother had looked at him as if he was a constant disappointment to her had hurt him, but if she had looked at him with the way Abby's eyes looked right now… He would have been broken.

He was jolted from his thoughts when Kane spoke.

"I understand, Abby", he said, taking her hand, "but I'm not sure the Grounders will like to talk to us without her. To them, she is our leader, especially to their Commander." He rubbed Abby's hand, clearly not understanding that there was a deeper meaning to her words than her just thinking her daughter was a child in need of rest.

"Maybe we should let Clarke decide for herself. Bellamy, would you mind getting her for us?"

Bellamy swallowed, taking a deep breath before he answered.

"I don't think that'll be possible, sir."

The room went silent as he said that, and even Octavia now stopped her administrations to look at her brother in surprise. Kane looked at him as he would at a puzzle, trying to figure out what he was saying.

He wasn't the one who spoke, though.

"What do you mean, Bellamy?", Abby asked. "Is she still helping the other kids? I thought you had gotten them all settled in?"

Bellamy sighed again, now focusing on Abby.

"They are. But Clarke's not with them." He paused before he continued. "She's not here, Abby."

Abby gasped loudly, along with the others, as they all stared at him.

"What do you mean Bell-"

"What the hell are you saying?"

"What-"

Octavia, Raven and Kane all started talking at the same time, asking him about Clarke, but Bellamy kept looking at the blonde's mother. She needed to understand. He needed her to understand this. After a moment of tense silence, Abby spoke with a cracked voice.

"Where is my daughter, Bellamy?"

"She left, Abby. She couldn't live here. Being here would remind her of what has happened, what she's had to do, her guilt."

_Being around you would have reminded her of that even more_, he thought, but he felt he didn't need to say it. She knew.

"When", was the next question that fell from Abby's lips.

He sighed. "When everyone had gotten inside of Camp Jaha. She said she couldn't do it, come in, live happily ever after." He looked the girl's mother dead into her eyes. "He said she would bear everything, everyone's guilt, so they wouldn't have to. So _we_" – his voice broke as he said this – "wouldn't have to."

"_No"_ – he was still so focused on Abby's face, that he hadn't noticed his sister breaking down behind him. Her shaky voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he turned around to see Octavia bursting into tears. "No, this isn't possible…. I wanted to say sorry to her Bellamy! The last thing I said to her was that saving our friends was the last thing I'd do with her, but I didn't mean it! I swear, Bell, I didn't! Why did she go? Why did she leave us? Without even saying goodbye to everyone?"

He looked down as Lincoln hugged the girl, understanding how she felt, but also getting why Clarke had to do it. His head snapped up again when he heard something breaking, and he looked up to see Raven trying to reach for something else to break. Wick tried to calm the girl down, but he was failing miserably.

"Raven-" he tried, but the girl wouldn't have it.

"NO! It's not cool, okay? Just… not cool. She was… she was our leader, our rock! She pretty much ruined us to save us, and now she just up and leaves? Pretending like the guilt is hers alone? Making herself responsible for everything, without even taking the time to _try_ and stay with us?! WHAT THE HELL, BELLAMY! How could you let her go? Did she even have anything on her? She just came back from a battle! You should have stopped her! You should have dragged her in here, kicking and screaming if you had to!"

Bellamy knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help but smile at Raven's reaction. She was still pissed at Clarke for Finn, but at the same time she cared too much about the blonde. They all did though, of course they did. He knew Octavia and Raven would be the ones to understand the best. After all, they had seen Clarke's strength as a leader, and even though the three of them didn't always agree with her decisions, in the end they all relied on her to be there for them.

He finally decided to put Wick out of his misery and answer the girl's tirade.

"You know why, Raven. You too, Octavia. We've been depending on her since the moment we landed on this earth. Day and night. She's had to carry the weight of every decision she had to make since we got here, every life we took, everything we did to survive. And she did it, barely complaining, just because she felt it was her responsibility to keep us alive. And now we're safe, her goal of survival is gone, but the burden she's had to carry isn't. Everything she's had to do is still there, and it will probably never go away. So I guess, in a way, her leaving is at the same time the most selfish thing she could do, but at the same time the most selfless as well. Because with her gone, our guilt can probably lessen, and for her, maybe she'll finally find her own kind of peace." He looked around the room as he concluded, locking eyes with all of them. "She deserves that."

The two girls nodded, although he could see they still felt like Clarke should be there. But now he focused on Abby again, who hadn't said a word while he was talking.

She swallowed as she saw his eyes on her, and breathed in deeply before she spoke.

"Do you-", she rasped, her voice hoarse with concealed emotion, "do you think she wants us to go look for her. That she wants _me_, to go after her?"

He understood the deeper meaning she was trying to convey, and shook his head in answer.

"No, Ab- Chancellor, I don't believe she wants that. She needs to be alone right now. Do what she feels she needs to do. If we were to try and get her to come back right now, I don't think it would end well. She needs this. And we need to leave her be."

Everyone was silent now, looking down, contemplating Bellamy's words. After a few minutes, Abby broke the silence.

"Do you think she will ever come back?" Her voice sounded small, and Bellamy could see that Abby finally realized the weight of everything that had been said tonight.

He sighed as he answered. "Maybe, someday, when she's ready."

Abby nodded. "Then I'll wait for that moment."

_As will we all…_ Bellamy thought. _May we meet again…_


End file.
